DA Money Pit- Part 1

   If you want to see Government waste at its worst, join the military. The legs are blown off of the budget and no one has bothered to apply a tourniquet. I want to talk about the bullshit toys and bottom-feeder helpers here; all while trying not to drop off in the conversation pitfalls they each present. I am not sure who the guy is that picks the crap we use in the infantry, but they need to take him out back and kick the shit out of him. I sure wish someone would have done us that favor for ACU's; the camouflage that blends in with ... um .. unexciting and dull grey parallelograms and quadrilaterals I guess.

   We hosted a contract that was supposed to replace the oldest serving rifle ever in our armory, for a possibly cheaper, more durable, more accurate rifle, all while shooting a more powerful round. Did we pick any one of the superior options? No, we stuck to the 5.56 mm M16 family. On a side note: I would like to equate the 5.56mm round to the Sacajawea dollar coin. It is legal tender, but who cares? A similar contract was hosted to replace the M9 BB-gun with similar results. Then came the expensive robots. I'm not going to take up large amounts of page space talking about something I hate more than terrorists, but fuck robots. They never do what is promised and always break down. Plus they are too heavy and bulky to justify bringing them on patrol for the very specified tasking they were designed for. I could go on and on  about equipment, but the Chinese like to spy on round eye, and one example is as disgusting and needlessly expensive as the next thousand.

   Next topic : Bottom feeding helpers. Civilian employment has always been a part of our Armed Forces. Some guys are top notch people that have real value and we are better and stronger for their shared knowledge and service. Others are bottom feeders that take up air and suck the life out of Soldiers and government pay. My experience has led me to the conclusion that there are plenty of below average Soldiers to fill positions currently held by civilians in made up positions. The 1SG Barracks program was designed for God knows what, and is the current problem with the conditions in the barracks today. We took a system that wasn't broken, and slit its throat. I highly doubt that E8s were so overburdened they couldn't scribble a Private's name into a room so that he could go AWOL the following day. Now to check rooms, Team Leaders are supposed to go to four rooms in three different buildings all on different floors because the entire staff at the Barracks Program didn't give a shit about unit integrity or cohesion. The Team Leader now has to listen to a barrage of excuses as to why the Private couldn't gather enough dirty shit-bags from other units to help sweep the hallway. Bang on doors you say? Sure. Bang away because the shit-bags will wait out the siege behind a locked door the Team Leader doesn't have access codes or keys for. And the mess gets bigger. Look, I'm sleepy and am tired of typing. So refer to the closing sentence in the last paragraph and interchange subjects where applicable. Three paragraphs to explain that we might as well throw money into a pit and I didn't even scratch the surface. Time well spent I'd say. -bigGuy
   

Reasons To Get Out Of The Army: Pt. 1

There are only three good reasons to stay in the Army: Health benefits, twenty year retirement, and salary pay. But  look a little closer.
We'll start with health benefits. Sure, free health care sounds good. FREE health care from Army trained medical personnel. Right? Wrong. Free anything usually sucks. Health care is no different. And in Infantry land you can't even call and make a doctors appointment. No. First you have to see the medics (not doctors) who then refer you to the PA (also not a doctor) who may or may not send you to a real doctor depending on how serious the issue. Maybe I'm a selfish prick, but when I have something wrong with me I would like the advice of somebody who actually went to medical school to be a real fucking doctor. No offense to the guys at the aid station, but what the fuck. Dependents can make doctors appointments but I can't. Anyways, I'm running off topic here. We'll talk more about health care and amateur hour at the dental clinic later. I'm here now to force my opinions on you about reasons to get out of the Army. Yes, there are three very good reasons to stay in the Army at the top of the page, but the list of reasons to get out goes on...and on...and on...and on.....and fucking on. Getting paid to stay in shape and shoot guns and blow shit up is a fucking sweet gig. But ohh the bullshit that comes with it. The Army can take the fun out of fucking. And they try. We'll cover a this and other reasons until we a) get out of the army and have nothing left to complain about b) get court marshaled or c) develop a debilitating narcotic habit that takes up all of our time and energy forcing us to live under a bridge and perform sexual favors for drugs and/ or entertainment.

Reasons To Get Out of The Army

1. R.O.E.- Fuck R.O.E.! R.O.E. is the biggest buzzkill in the military and takes the fun out being an Infantryman. Don't send combat units to do political work. You want to be nice to people?  Send flowers and money. You want dead motherfuckers and chaos? Send the Infantry.

2. Saluting-Fuck officers

3. Hooah- What the fuck?

4. Hooahs- Brain washed douche bags who love the Army and think everybody else does to. These types are generally huge cocksuckers or sergeant majors. Or huge cocksucking sergeant majors. They make life miserable for every one around them by enforcing dumb ass standards, being motivated, and sucking every high ranking dick that comes their way.

5. ACUs-Yep. It's been said before but can't be repeated enough. What the fuck were they thinking? However, what is most concerning about the ACUs is not the pattern itself, but the fact that it got approved. The fact that some dumb fuck came up with the idea doesn't surprise me. What tickles my asshole is that people with a lot more rank than me, people with college degrees who get paid a lot of money to make decisions, approved the ACU pattern. Now, if they approved the ACUs, how can they be expected to make the correct decisions to lead our country to victory on the battlefield.

6. FRG- An organization of raging stuck up simple minded cunts who have no job and think they wear their husband's rank getting together to gossip. Yeah, good idea.

7. S1- Stop acting like your job is so fucking hard you whiny little paper bitch and fix my pay.

8. POGs-What the fuck gives these motherfuckers a sense of entitlement. Cooks looking at Infantry soldiers like they're doing them a favor. Fucking lowlifes. Last time I checked, support MOSs support the fucking Infantry. Without Infantry the cooks, clerks, truck drivers, engineers, nurses, pilots, medics and every other shit sucker would be out of a job. So put a smile on your face while supporting the greatest fighting force in the world. Oh, and suck my dick.

To be continued...

CYBORG SODOMY

The wars in recent history are often credited with doing more than their fair share of contributing to our nations economic downturn. Robotic contractors can take a large hunk of this blame.We have robots to disarm bombs, see far , kill motherfuckers, detect and collect shit, and much much more. Corporations peddling this robot smut introduce these 60 lbs wonders of the technological world with affirmations that they will save lives. All this for the low low cost of just belevendy buzillion. This is nothing compared to the price of our infantrymen who now stand ready and eager to receive the new marvels of the future. Of course the infantryman will have to now put down his weapon and exchange it for a bandoleer of batteries, replacement parts, and TM's, but who needs weapons in the combat zone when we have these nifty cyborg allies? Surely our current enemies will retreat at the very sight of nuts, bolts, and wires, all powered by lies and bullshit. Load up the Privates with technology they will have to master and cross-train other soldiers in, at the cost of field craft. We don't need field craft, that is what the robots are for. Besides, this new Biometric Collection Robot should be just the ticket to win this war. At the sound of a PKM opening up, the Private should be able to use the Matrix to get out of the kill zone and deploy his biometric collection robot toward the enemy. With any hope, the robot will use its programing to employ the stealth menu, and select the" follow the shadows " option to power it toward the insurgent forces now attacking the Private. Approaching the insurgent forces, as only robots now have the skill to do, the robot will now ask for permission to take a DNA swab from our Frienemy using an automated message in the wrong fucking dialect. Forcibly inserting the probe into the mouth of our future friend, we will now have a sample to compile with the rest of the samples for the master database. We don't want to kill the frenemy, we just want his bodily fluids for science. This DNA database will help us now that we are leaving; better late than never. With the samples and photos taken, the soldier's robot will issue the insurgent a gender- neutral- happy- face sticker that is also a legally binding contract of friendship. Using rockets that are powered by heavy batteries and tears, the DNA cyborg is now free to follow a homing beacon to the FOB. Mission complete motherfucker.   

Lets not waste our time worrying about the robot mule of a Private who has now collapsed to the ground due to heat exhaustion. His heavy body armor will protect him in the 120 degree heat and drink those bullets up like he should have drank water. Why as soon as he comes to, he should be able to spit the sand and goat shit out of his mouth and give the water-bot a voice command to moisten his palate. Upon return to the FOB the Private can now enjoy his final relaxing moments before bedtime happily filling out 97 surveys that will have to be re-done in the morning due to the fact he used a pencil and not black ink. Hurry the fuck up Private, the men who make millions from this contract are waiting on you so they can make a new and improved version for your next tour.-bigGuy

War Dodgers

war.dod.ger

noun

1. A soldier who avoids combat duty by creating personal problems, going AWOL, etc.

Synonyms

1. coward, pussy, bitch, 

The war dodger, not to be confused with draft dodger, is a soldier who voluntarily joins a combat arms MOS but avoids going to combat. These elusive creatures lurk mostly in the ranks of Infantry units across the Army, collecting paychecks, telling other peoples' war stories, and making excuses. The war dodger seems to always have diarrhea of the mouth, a condition where meaningless bullshit constantly dribbles from it's oral cavity, making it easy to spot. However, war dodgers can be deceptive. Some take the form of motivated soldiers, with high pt scores and even past deployments. This disguise can work for months, even years, until deployment orders come down. Once talk of deployments start, the war dodger becomes frightened and confused. At this point the war dodgers disguise starts to breakdown. He can no longer hold up the act of being a soldier and seeks refuge at the local aid station and mental health clinics, panicking and taking desperate measures to acquire profiles. Deployment orders are the war dodgers kryptonite. Upon receiving deployment orders, the war dodger's testosterone levels immediately drop, his dick and balls suck up into his stomach taking the form of a vagina. The war dodger then begins lactating, and breasts start to form. After random outbursts of crying, false suicide attempts and made up family problems, the war dodger earns his profile and fades into the ranks of other cowards on rear detachment, only to be seen again upon re-deployment, where he will once again try to fit in and infiltrate the ranks of real soldiers.

What to Do if You Spot a War Dodger:

1. Immediately point, laugh or make a scene, alerting others you have spotted a war dodger.

2. Separate your soldiers from the war dodger.

3. If possible, photograph the war dodger.

4. Attempt to destroy the will to live by posting pictures, humiliating and demoralizing the war dodger.

This message is brought to you by Soldiers Who Support War and Violence. If you have a problem with this post, or any other posts on this site, please feel free to go fuck yourself.

The Army PT Test, The Infantryman, and God

My unit was recently deployed in support of Operation Nobody Gives A Fuck Anymore. It sucked. It was hot. People tried to kill us. We killed them. Nothing to write a book about. Now we have since returned, had some leave and time to drink, fuck and fight our problems away. Or at least hold them down long enough to manifest themselves into severe depression, alcoholism and insomnia. Whatever.
  It is now time to do things like paper work, stare at the wall pondering how a meth lab works, and pt tests. Ahh yes, the dreaded pt test. You know the one everybody knew would come but didn't prepare for. The one with scores so low, leadership shits their pants and says everybody has to do pt 43 times a day to get the average up. Oh yeah, that one. They're always horrible. The scores always suck and everybody always gets pissed because now they have to do pt 632 times a day or get buttfucked through their eye socket because they are out of shape, hungover, and still high.
  Low scores are expected. But FAILING scores, a large amount of FAILING scores in an infantry unit is a fucking problem. Let's face it, that test is weak as fuck. As an Infantryman you should be able to pass a pt test to the "Army standard" (180) on accident. A failing score, as an Infantryman, indicates a serious need to re-evaluate your life, think about religion and consider your "options". I am by no means a "motivated" soldier. I hate the Army and pt tests as much as I do muslims. But, I could not do pt for a month, get black out drunk, piss the bed the night before, wake up, put my uniform on, not shower, shoot up some heroin, and score a 180 on the Army's candy ass pt test. Now, you might say I'm superhuman. You might also say that I'm a crossbreed of a lion and a banshee shot up with steroids from birth until the heavens above released me to this world to save mankind. Or you might call me a pussy for not scoring a 300. All of these statements would be true.
  What I witnessed today was like Sandusky at an all boys summer camp. It was like being forced to watch puppies get run over while at the same time having broken glass shoved down your dickhole and listening  to weird techno music. There was a FUCKING 2 DIGIT PT SCORE. I felt violated.

  I am at a loss, seeking counseling and taking medication. I am offended. Not only as a leader, but as a man. Because anybody who calls himself a man, especially an Infantryman, should be able to pass an Army pt test, unless hospitalized or in the process of being raped. Man the fuck up.

GUNS ON POST

 Why am I allowed and trusted to carry machine-guns, rifles, pistols, bombs, 40mm HE grenades, (the list is very long) in another country but I am not trusted to do so in mine? You want a reason why gun control does not work? Proof you ask? Lets look at the past two fucking wars dummy. These are two of the longer and longest wars in our nations history. And they were wars....not a global police action, not a conflict, not any of the bullshit you see on the news....war. I fought in both of them. Insurgent forces were able to gather arms, supply ammo, train to fight us, and carry out attacks with everything under the sun. In Iraq it's legal to own one 30rd mag with one fully automatic AK47. In Afghanistan you are permitted to have exactly nothing ( they wouldn't notice anyway). My point is this:  IF OUR ENTIRE MILITARY CAN'T STOP PEOPLE WHO WIPE THEIR ASS WITH THE LEFT HAND AS A MATTER OF PRACTICING GOOD HYGIENE ,FROM GETTING DEVICES THAT KILL TROOPS EVERYDAY,....... FOR OVER A DECADE.... HOW WILL IT WORK IN OUR COUNTRY? Why is the automatic assumption that I will do something terrible in a land I put my life on the line for? Fort Hood ring a bell? That bald bitch-ass would have found a gun no matter what to carry out that attack. I would like to have the feeling again that I am surrounded by people trained to use firearms just in-case. -bigGuy

Wheat Snack Bread

   The entire system of naming what is in MRE's is ridiculous; not to mention most of the food is made out of cat meat anyway.  Wheat Snack Bread in particular is what I want to talk about here.The name is what gets my attention, because after almost a decade of eating this trash, I have decided that the substance contained within the package is none of these things. It is not wheat. It is a snack a starving man would cuss at you for giving him. Calling it bread would be like screaming " I'VE STRUCK GOLD!!!" when you in reality have just stepped in dog shit. In fact IF they put a picture of dog shit on the outside of the package, no words..... just the picture, I would have nothing to say on this post. I would look at the picture of  the dog shit, sigh, rip open the package, chew and agree. -bigGuy