FUN ANIMAL FACT # 15

During field exercises, JRTC , NTC, Ranger School, and Selection.... you always get a pile of briefs. And a subject that always is included is don't fucking touch the god-damn animals. But do we listen? Fuck no. Animals are cool, and are even cooler when PFC Dumbass gets bit by one. So I thought I would share my animal collective knowledge with you in a series of  real and/or bullshit animal facts. Take this knowledge and sort through the bloody mess as to which is fact or fiction.

Fact #1) Squirrels can not run backwards.

Fact #2) Bears hate cinnamon candy..... but will accept it if offered with a genuine smile.

Fact #3) All snakes are poisonous except the one you just bitch smacked ; that was the North American.....shit I forget. "But Sergent, aren't we in Afghanistan"? SHUT THE FUCK UP PRIVATE!!!

Fact #4) All scorpions must immediately be paired with another of its kind for a pit fight to the death.

Fact #5) You can out-run America's number one threat, The North American Grizzly Bear, by pushing down a fat friend.

Fact #6) Horses play dead if you shoot them.

Fact #7) Alligators love belly rubs.

Fact #8) If the animal has four legs and weighs more than 80lbs you can ride it.

Fact #9) Bald Eagles really do taste like America.

Fact # 10) Hedgehogs really do go far when put in a  three man water-balloon launcher.

Fact # 11) The Gopher Tortoise will grant you three magic wishes if you pick it up.

Fact # 12) Camel Spiders feed on the souls of the living.

Fact # 13) If you smash an Americanized Honey Bee on you PL's Stryker; the bee's friends will come.

Fact # 14) Badgers fucking hate flashbangs.

Fact # 15) Porcupines make the fucking world's cutest noise when you poke them with a stick. 
 -bigGuy